Popular Librarian

Although I have not forgotten my promise to rant more about the FCC, I recently underwent back surgery which has slowed my production way down. Truthfully, the happy pills they gave me while I recover from semi-major surgery have kind of blunted my vorpel blade a bit. It has, however, given me tons of time to catch up on my DVR recordings and ponder great philosophical questions, such as inventing the perfect CSI drinking game.

I wont claim to be a great innovator here. I have heard tell of other CSI related drinking games, although I have not read their rules. However, I feel my extensive experience with the CSI oeuvre, along with the lightheadedness brought on by healthy doses of Vicodin have allowed me to develop what I think may become the definitive version. Without further ado I bring you CSI:Blotto

While watching ANY version of CSI:

Drink each time anyone says "petechial hemorraging"

Drink each time a lab tech expresses a fervent desire to work in the field. Drink 2 when request is immediately followed by a cutting yet clever insult from the boss.

Drink each time the victim is a young beautiful woman in a costume (mermaid fins, hamster suit, french maid, etc). Drink 2 if the costumed woman is a stripper/hooker.

Drink each time they uncover a random bizarre peversion, like "tri-nogomy", "plushies and furries", etc. Drink 2 if it is a perversion you've heard of before. Drink 3 if...never mind...I don't want to know.

Drink each time an exchange between the boss and the DA includes the word "Dammit". Drink 2 when the DA threatens to investigate the department.

CSI: Las Vegas (or just plain CSI for purists)

Drink each time Catherine/Sarah painfully embarasses herself trying to flirt with Warrick/Gil.

Drink each time Warrick takes/makes a call from/to his girlfriend/wife

Drink each time Nick is placed in mortal danger. Then drink one more in honor of the writer who decided it would be fun to menace a pretty boy instead of a pretty girl.

CSI:Miami

Drink each time Horatio puts his hands on his hips.

Drink each time Horatio responds to a proposition/question by staring through his sunglasses into the middle distance with a constipated smile on his face.

Drink each time Horatio is propositioned by/dates/marries an impossibly young hot chick. Drink 2 when the chick dies.

Drink each time Horatio promises a child &/or single mom that "No one is going to hurt you, ever". Drink 2 when that person is injured/kidnapped/killed &/or sent to child protective services/witness protection.

Drink each time Alex refers to a corpse as "honey", "sweetie", or any other creepy diminutive.

Drink each time Calleigh holds/shoots a gun. Drink 2 if you wish Emily Proctor was still on West Wing.

CSI:NY

Drink each time reference is made to Mac's time in the service &/or Mac's dead wife.

Refuse to drink each time Stella is placed in mortal danger, because sheesh, come on guys. The woman has a gun.

Drink each time Detective Dan appears because, damn, that boy is pretty. Seriously, those cheeks, I could just pinch them all day.

Drink each time a beautiful woman sets off alone at night to walk through Central Park. Drink 2 if she is listening to an IPod and humming to herself while she walks....into to the arms of DEATH. Drink 3 if you didn't see that coming or stop drinking and turn to PBS.

Drink each time you find yourself wondering why on Law & Order it's the detectives that solve murders, but on CSI:NY it's the crime scene investigators. Drink 2 (or more really...sky's the limit at this point) if you ever secretly longed for the episode where Mac and Stella run into Elliot and Olivia at a crime scene, leading to a CSI:NY/L&O:SVU smackdown in the kitchen of the deceased.

Enjoy CSI:Blotto and I will, hopefully, be back quite soon with my vorpel blade fully sharpened and ready to snicker snack.